“Wit is a sword; it is meant to make people feel the point as well as see it.”
G. K. Chesterton
Assorted in this post are the wittiest one-liners you would ever come across.Also thrown in are a few demotivational posters :)
But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness
Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Smokers are just like everybody else. Just not as long.
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
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