Monday, February 15, 2010

Humor curing problems:amusing tube announcements!

Actual Tube Announcements

These are some real announcements made by London Tube (subway) train drivers
to their passengers and collected by Annie Mole 

.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay  to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound tracks and head in the opposite direction."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome; that is, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news or the bad news first? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination anytime soon."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now: Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall....'"

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that."

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do not encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman. Unfortunately towels will not be provided."

"Let the passengers off the train first!" (pause) "Oh, go on then. Stuff yourselves in like sardines. See if I care! I'm going home!"

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage: What part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

This is the Line Control Room at Baker Street. The Bakerloo Line is running normally today, so you may expect delays to all destinations."

"Please use all available doors; there are some really good ones at the front of the train!"


"I apologize for the delay, caused by trying to fit too many trains onto too little track." 


"Ladies and gentlemen this train has 22 doors on each side, please feel free to use all of them, not just the two in the middle".


"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."


"Welcome aboard the Flintstones railway, once I get my feet on the floor and start running we should be on our way".


"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into         the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these        people tend to come out pretty quickly... usually in bits."


"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause...) "Please move  all belongings away from the doors." (Pause..) "This is a personal  message to the gentleman in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear  of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf  clubs away from the door, before I come down there and shove them up  you’re a**e sideways!"


"Ladies and gentlemen, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you.  Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train and not a bin on wheels." 


There were some guys smoking in one of the carriages so at Putney Bridge the driver announced "May  I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on  any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint it is  only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".


You enjoyed this? Than you will like these words of wisdom you can say to the guy sleeping with you wife here.

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