Saturday, June 19, 2010

Witty Replies

                             
                Brevity is the soul of wit.
                                              William Shakespeare

You couldn't agree any less with Mr. Shakespeare,once youEnjoy these witty replies,carefully handpicked to make you swoon with delight.
 
To be insured or not to be


Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI).  It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.  Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said.  "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.  If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"



 


Diamonds are forever


It will be my wife's birthday tomorrow. When I asked her what she wanted, she said something with diamonds would be nice. I've bought her a packet of playing cards.

Life is like that


A young couple had been arguing about what new vehicle they would buy. He wanted a big truck, but she wanted a sports car.
After about an hour the woman had to leave, and said, "look, all I want is something that goes from 0 to 200 in less than four seconds. My birthday is coming up next week, buy something that will surprise me!"
A week later she opened her present, a new set of bathroom scales!
(The funeral will take place next Tuesday)


Believer

A man was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Temple every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up Alcohol."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
The Man looked up again and said,
"Never Mind. I found one."


Tragedy

The President Bush, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious George Bush asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
 One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Bush. "That's what we would call a great loss. " The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.
Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying George Bush were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy." Fantastic!" exclaims Bush, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!!!



Profession


A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he's lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are near 42 degrees N. latitude and 58 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you've told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You've made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you're in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it's somehow my fault."

Acceptable excuse


The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."


Jerks


Unfortunately, as I have gotten older, I have become a little less sensitive. So, after trying my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, last weekend (a good find for many retirees), I lasted less than a day……
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, coyote ugly, nasty woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The ugly, nasty woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?’
So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am. I just find it hard to believe you got laid twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’My 25 year old supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work…….. soooo maybe I’ll go fishing.

Tit for tat


A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"



"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."








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11 comments:

  1. "Believer" was out of the world! Got me into splits while "Tragedy" blew me away!!. Never thought of Scr----- as a Strategy!(Tit for tat).Thanks for promotimg my Poems on Indivine.I appreciate it.

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  2. Really funny. Where do you get all this stuff??

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  3. i am glad i read it at 2 am... and now i will sleep with a pain in my stomach and a grin on my face :D

    Great work... Kp Up!!

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  4. Great collection! :D Keep 'em coming!

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  5. Good collection. ZM recommended me to read ya, and trust me it's worth!
    :) Will be back again.

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  6. Great. I am going to be your follower now.

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  7. Tit for tat was my favourite :D

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  8. GREAT post.
    The last one was classic though all were exceptionally good. :)

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