Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Yes you are from venus.....

It is the difference between men and women, not the sameness, that creates the tension and the delight.
                                                                                                                         Edward Abbey..

SO lets check out the difference which makes us both so perfect for each other



Bathrooms: A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Magazines: There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

ArgumentsWomen always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.


Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

FutureA woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.

MarriageA woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Going out: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Mirrors: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface--mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters,

Garages: Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Movies: For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind". For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy".

Jewelry: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic. .

The Telephone: Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Directions: If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there", and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store".

Admitting Mistakes: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

Dressing up: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Weddings:  When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".

Socks: 
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictues of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.


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Sunday, June 27, 2010

Saying you suck with class!!

Gems from Archives

There used to be a time when even insults appeared to be poetic,the battle of wits among the most gifted individuals,included in this posts are the pearls of witty putdowns and even in some case wittier comebacks. 

 

Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time. -- Frederic Raphael


 She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did. -- Ada Leverson




This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible, this was terrible with raisins in it. -- Dorothy Parker

 
The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.  George Bernard Shaw
 

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
–William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) 

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
—Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

 
He is so boring you fall asleep halfway through her name. -- Alan Bennett
 

She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation. -- Jean Webster
 

Wagner's music is better than it sounds. -- Mark Twain

 “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one.”
–George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

  “Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.”
–Winston Churchill’s response to George Bernard Shaw

 

He must have had a magnificent build before his stomach went in for a career of its own. -- Margaret Halsey
 

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
–Irvin S. Cobb

Abstract art? A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. -- Al Capp


“Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!”
–Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party
“Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!”
–Winston Churchill’s response to Lady Astor

 

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."  —Robert Redford
 

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
—Forrest Tucker

"You, Mr. Wilkes, will die either of the pox or on the gallows."
–The Earl of Sandwich  

"That depends, my lord, whether I embrace your mistress or your principles."
–John Wilkes's response to The Earl of Sandwich

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
—Winston Churchill 



Always willing to lend a helping hand to the one above him. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald (about Ernest Hemingway)
 

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. -- Winston Churchill
 

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
—Moses Hadas
 

He is a fine friend. He stabs you in the front. -- Leonard Louis Levinson
 

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
—James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
 

His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere. -- Mark Twain
 

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any one I know."
—Abraham Lincoln
 

I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. -- Steven Pearl
 

I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. -- Mark Twain
 

 “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
–Paul Keating
 

That's not writing, that's typing. -- Truman Capote
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. -- Groucho Marx
 

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts — for support rather than illumination."                                          —Andrew Lang .




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Friday, June 25, 2010

Don't tell me words don't matter

What fun it is to wake up in the morning and  enjoy the newspaper along with a hot cuppa coffee.... Well these news headlines did make some NEWS.....


                                                   
                                              What would we do without our MOTHERS!!!




   Oooppssssss!!!



                                             
                                               Sorry seems to be the hardest word  : p




                                                Thinking about an anniversary dinner???????????




                                                                     WTf!!!!!!



                                          
                                                             I though he didn't have any :)



                           
                                                   Counting on the experts...........



                         
                                               Lets hope he does not overcharge himself



                                             
                                                    You morons but my husband divorced me!!!



                                                      
                                                           Ahhh the World cup is over!!!!


                                                       
                                                   And you think you are unlucky!!!!!!!


                                                     
                                                        Once a Canadian always a Canadian


                                                     But where is my favorite cartoon!!!



                                                Jeez!!! but all I've got is a pair of pen-knives




                                                                Errr!!! No this is 91........2


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Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Ohhh man!!!

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country
                                                   Elayne Boosler

After careful weeding and scrounging the web, compiled is a list of some of the most witty observations on men …I hope it will be the most amusing list you will ever come across


 Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements. If you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like sperm - all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong direction. "I was first." "Let me through." "You're on my tail." "That's my spot." They're like the Three Billion
Stooges. But the egg is very cool: "Well, who's it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. I'm not swimming anywhere."

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my friend’s husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little
bit of freedom.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

 If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

 Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

 The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

 Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

 All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. My girlfriend sleep with one under her pillow, instead of a gun.

 Men love watches with multiple functions. My friend’s husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

 All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

 Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

 Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

 Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

 Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

 Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

 If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

 Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE twice, voluntarily.

 Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

 If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget...he didn't lose your number...he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

 Men hate to lose. I once beat my friend’s husband at tennis. She asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

 Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you...I want to marry you...I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

 Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

 Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. Women need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

 Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.


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Monday, June 21, 2010

Oh!!The morons

Digging through the archives :)

This is a fascinating exchange of letters between a frustrated sarcastic citizen and the authorities.This witty exchange of letter will amuse you to no end.....The reply will floor you I promise


THE COMPLAINT

Dear Sir
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try emailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.
One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of explosive gas between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this. After replying to this email with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three-point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four-month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant
Mr.X

THE REPLY

Dear Mr. X,
I have read your email and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address/telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards, PC Y Community Beat Officer

THE REACTION


Dear PC Y
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original email. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself?
Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with aching like a wash hand basin?
It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5. Whilst I realize that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these t***s that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs is both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these you should feel free to contact me. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

Regards Mr. X
P.S if you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.


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Saturday, June 19, 2010

Witty Replies

                             
                Brevity is the soul of wit.
                                              William Shakespeare

You couldn't agree any less with Mr. Shakespeare,once youEnjoy these witty replies,carefully handpicked to make you swoon with delight.
 
To be insured or not to be


Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI).  It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.  Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said.  "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.  If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"



 


Diamonds are forever


It will be my wife's birthday tomorrow. When I asked her what she wanted, she said something with diamonds would be nice. I've bought her a packet of playing cards.

Life is like that


A young couple had been arguing about what new vehicle they would buy. He wanted a big truck, but she wanted a sports car.
After about an hour the woman had to leave, and said, "look, all I want is something that goes from 0 to 200 in less than four seconds. My birthday is coming up next week, buy something that will surprise me!"
A week later she opened her present, a new set of bathroom scales!
(The funeral will take place next Tuesday)


Believer

A man was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Temple every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up Alcohol."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
The Man looked up again and said,
"Never Mind. I found one."


Tragedy

The President Bush, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious George Bush asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
 One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Bush. "That's what we would call a great loss. " The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.
Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying George Bush were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy." Fantastic!" exclaims Bush, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!!!



Profession


A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he's lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are near 42 degrees N. latitude and 58 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you've told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You've made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you're in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it's somehow my fault."

Acceptable excuse


The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."


Jerks


Unfortunately, as I have gotten older, I have become a little less sensitive. So, after trying my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, last weekend (a good find for many retirees), I lasted less than a day……
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, coyote ugly, nasty woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The ugly, nasty woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?’
So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am. I just find it hard to believe you got laid twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’My 25 year old supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work…….. soooo maybe I’ll go fishing.

Tit for tat


A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"



"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."








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Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Well...That is beyond me

Another of my favorites from archives...

I am sure each one of us at some point of our life had second thoughts and doubts about our abilities and limitations but i bet you could never have quantized it in words the way this fella did.

SUBJECT: Intelligence Resignation letter

I have come to the conclusion, with great regret that it is necessary for me to resign. Things being as they are, I feel I am a failure as an intelligence analyst—I will never have the qualifications needed to fulfill this unenviable, thankless, and increasingly frustrating job.

To be an analyst, one must be courteous, diplomatic, shrewd, persuasive, an expert briefer, even-tempered, slow to anger, a Sherlock Holmes, up-to-date, good looking(with a firm voice and honest eyes), and in possession of a photographic memory. Additionally, an analyst must be an English scholar, an expert in various weapons systems, and the embodiment of virtue… with a good working knowledge of sin and evil in all of its forms.


An analyst must have a detailed understanding of all types of devices that can cause death and despair (both currently available and planed for future release), as well as electricity, engineering, physics and politics, chemistry and causeways, mechanics and manufacturing, science and smuggling, and finally horse trading and human nature. Though not absolutely necessary, it is considered most helpful if an analyst possesses a MBA, Ph.D., PDQ, and WXYZ.

An analyst must also be a mind reader, a hypnotist and an athlete. He must be acquainted with weapons of all types, as well as all associated precursor chemicals available, and he must know the exact Black Market price for everything from an AK-47 round to a three-stage thermonuclear device. An analyst must know all, see all, and tell absolutely nothing without verifying a valid need-to-know. It is also extremely useful for an analyst to have the ability to be in several places (minimum of six) at the same time.

Finally it is essential for the analyst to be able to arrive at an assessment which can perfectly and equally satisfy the Section Chief, the NCOIC, the Commander, the MAJCOM IN, and all forward deployed units… with out being an alarmist.

Having heard of only one person with the above qualification, and finding he was crucified nearly 2000 years ago, I feel it is impossible for me to achieve the ranks of a good intelligence analyst(thought I have tried my utmost in my daily personal life to emulate him.) Therefore, with out further ado and for the benefit of all, I, being diminished in mental and physical capacity, do herewith relinquished all rights, claims, and titles, both past, present, and future, as an intelligence analyst.

If you liked this you will like to have a dig at yes we need to know that too and you want everything free

Monday, June 14, 2010

Men are from earth and so are the women :p

From the Archives


"What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce."
Mark Twain
Both the genders will have a different point of view about Twain's musings,I have a soft corner for my fellow men so,this post is dedicated to the guys.



We are all of sick of incessant whims and crazy what to do lists of women so we picked up this pretty cool list of rules for the women.We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put
it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.Really.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like
camping.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

For the guy making out with my wife........

What would you do if you found out about the guy who was making out with your wife behind your back , well whatever your reaction is trust me you will find this note amusing which was left by the husband to the guy who was doing his wife….

1. Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed .

2. You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit (god knows I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you.


3. If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up.

4. Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son believes if its not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recommend a better spot?

5. After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, I run out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty (thanks).

6. Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not retarded.

7. Please stop turning the heat up, you pay nothing and you are screwing me, my wife may like it but I think it hurts.

8. When she asks "do these pants make me look fat", say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.

9.Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.

Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentine’s Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only ordered one meal. I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become awkward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don't feel rushed.
P.S. I am going to take the kids to the camping for two days, this Tuesday; I have a bottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer.


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Monday, June 7, 2010

Hey wanna have some coffee.....

Girls often complain that men are like subway trains because they  use the same old lines to pick people up,well heres how some of them get even......


Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.


Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.

Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.


Man: What sign were you born under?
Woman: No Parking.


Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.


Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you.....to leave.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die
laughing.


Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there? 


Woman after hearing a pickup line:
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

He: Would you like to dance?
She: Not with you.
He: Oh, come on. Lower your standards a little, I just did.

He: Do you wanna dance?
She: Yeah but not with you!
He: You must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!

He: Does beauty run in your family?
She: It obviously doesn't in yours!


He: Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?
She: Yeah, but this time don't stop!

He: I think you're the best looking girl in here.
She: Really? Well, I'd better go find the best looking guy then, hadn't I!


He:"I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today and your name was included."
She: "Thanks! Hey, I saw your name next to jerk."

Saturday, June 5, 2010

You know you are gay when..

Do u freak out when someone calls you gay,well if you identify yourself with any of the below they might not be completely kidding

You truly don't care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.
 

You can call anyone "honey" including pets.
 

You understand the immense importance of good lighting.
 

You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.
 

You know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.
 

You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.
 

You're good pals with women other people can't stand.
 

You've always got an opinion.
 

You know how to dress strategically.
 

Your car has an amusing female name.
 

You're the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better thanyou did in high school.
 

You've got at least one framed picture of a pet.
 

There's a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.
 

You know how to make an entrance.
 

You know when to make an exit.
 

You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
 

You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.
 

You know when to play dumb.
 

You know what to do for a hangover.
 

Yes, you do have a condom.
 

You've left someone totally speechless.
 

You've shaved something other than your face.
 

All your friends do not have to "get along".

You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

What sex are they???


Well what if we were to classify inanimate objects as genders????



Object Male Female Why
Ziploc Bags
X

While they hold everything in, you can still see right through them.
Shoe
X


It's often unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
Copier


X
Once it's turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
Tire
X


It's often over-inflated and some go bald.
Hot Air Balloon
X


To get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it. And, of course, there's all that hot air.
Sponges


X
They're soft, squeezable and retain water.
Subway
X


It uses the same old lines to pick people up
Hourglass


X
Over time, all its weight shifts to the bottom.
Hammer
X


It hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's still handy to have one around.
Remote Control


X
Ha! You thought male. But: it gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it; and, while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!