Pray your kid never takes this exam.....

Yes we know that every generation is different,the youth
today are so much more sophisticated then we could ever
hope to be,still trust me you wouldn't want your kids to take this exam.

NAME____________________

GANG NAME______________

1. Little Johnny has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He
usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds
per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little
Johnny attempt before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to
Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what
is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3. Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how
many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's
$800 per day crack habit?

4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for
$40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a
Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2
Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he
have to steal to have $900?

6. Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for
the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how
much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for
killing the ho that spent his money?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet
and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters
can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with
20% paint free?

8. Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27
girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls
Hector knocked up?

9. Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa
Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5
per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many
weeks can he feed the Boa on one week's income?

10. Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at
35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20
seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when
he gets whacked?

You ought to know this

Aren't women obsessed all the time about being with that perfect guy,well we are here to make your day ladies,because we just have the perfect course to turn just about every guy into to that perfect gentleman....

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.

Topic 1 - The toilet paper roll: do they grow on the holders?
A step by step guide, with slide presentation

Topic 2 - How to fill up the ice cube trays.
Round table discussion.

Topic 3 - Is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the seat up and avoiding the floor/walls and nearby bathtub?
Group practice.

Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?
Examples on video.

Topic 6 - Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other.
Helpline support and support groups.


Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum.

Topic 8 - Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real life testimonials.

Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation.

Topic 11 - Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.

Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 13 - How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

**Upon completion of the course diplomas will be issued to the survivors.**

No offense!!!

Well seriously I hold no grudge against women, in fact I more then love them;still male bashing jokes have freaked me out and time to tease women(in good humor)

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

Why do brides get married in white?
So that they match all the other domestic appliances.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Our last fight was my fault:
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?", I said, "Dust!"

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said,
"I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted"
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer belly, and still think they are beautiful.

A point of view...

There is a reason they say men are from earth and women are from Venus........

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Help!!!!!

All of us at some point or the other have had phobias and uncanny panic alarms,so its not at all unusual when someone expresses their nightmare,but what I really found amusing is writing an open letter to the public and posting it on Craiglist regarding the same,well you think that is unusual and insane; well ,the letter for you.

I have a recurring dream about dying in a plane crash. In fact, I had one last night. It's happened so much I feel that I'm as much an expert in dying in plane crashes as any living being can be. I'm not superstitious. I'm not afraid to fly. But on the off-hand chance this dream turns prophetic, I feel qualified enough to make a request for anyone unfortunate enough to be on that plane with me...

I don't mind the idea of dying in a plane crash. In my dreams, I've done it a thousand times under a thousand different conditions. In most instances, death is instantaneous and painless. The thing that does bother me is what happens during that final plummet. Yes it's terrifying. But please, for the love of God, what's with the screaming? I understand you're frightened. I understand you don't want to die. I'm coming to terms with that myself as is every other passenger on that plane. But while I'm facing my imminent demise looking out the window in absolute silence and stunned horror, you're ruining the last few moments of everyone else's existence with your incessant shrill chimpanzee-like shrieking.

You're going to die. Of what possible use is a last-minute vocal exercise going to serve other than to completely annoy everyone around you and make a terrible situation even more unbearable? We are all in shock. Our sense of time slows and our senses become sharper. Now is not the time to be yelling. I'm not a religious man; but I don't mind if you pray. I might even hold your hand. But please keep it within an acceptable decibel level. If your God is real, he isn't hard of hearing, and he's most certainly aware that the plane is going down. He apparently has a plan, and he's not going to change his mind on the basis of how loud you beg him to alter it. Besides, you have an eternal life to look forward to. Look at me... I'm an atheist, and I'm keeping my mouth shut. Superman doesn't exist, so I'm hoping you're not calling for him. Anyone who can help you is already busy trying.

All I'm asking for a bit of reverence so we may die in dignity. If you treat it like a fucking roller coaster, I swear I'm going to punch you square in the kisser for depriving me of this... and I'm pretty sure I'll get away with it.

 Are you gripped with any similar phobia???Well do share with us!!!!

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What she says and what that means

There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
                                                                                 Will Rogers 
Certainly not breaking news,nonetheless amusing that men by design are incapable of war of words with the fairer sex.So here are the some pointers for men to take care of ;)

Fine  :  This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (Never use "Fine" to describe how she looks. This will start one of those arguments.)

Five minutes :   Roughly half an hour. Equivalent to the same five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.

Nothing   : "Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

Go ahead(raised eyebrows)  :  This is not permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "Five minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."
 
Loud sigh    This is not actually a word, but is still a communication. Frequently misunderstood by men. "Loud sigh" means you are a complete idiot and she wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you! Over "Nothing."

Soft sigh :   Again, not a word but a statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe but just hope that this will last a bit longer.

Oh    This word, followed by any statement, is trouble. "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.

That's okay :   This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever dumb thing you have done. Often used in combinations with the word "Fine" or the raised eyebrow "Go ahead." Once she's had time to plan it out your fate, you're in for big trouble.

Please do :   This is not a statement, it's an offer. She's giving you a chance to come up with some excuse for the latest dumb thing you've done, i.e., a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. Handle this correctly and you won't get a "That's okay."

Thanks :   The woman is thanking you. Don't faint. Don't look for hidden meaning. Just say, "You're welcome."

Thanks a lot :   Dramatically different from "Thanks." "Thanks A Lot" means she's really ticked. It is often followed by "Loud Sigh," signifying that you have hurt her in some callous way. No need to ask what's wrong. She'll only tell you "Nothing."









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"What Happened to All the Nice Guys?"

So often have we heard girls complain,"What Happened to All the Nice Guys?"Well they are in luck because I just found out the answer from a Recovering Nice Guy....Lets hear it from the horse's mouth


The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy whom you were dating treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends." Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?"

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an weirdo than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your bullshit
3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab hold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've f#*!ed yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't  f#*!ing want you, now.

Sincerely,

A Recovering Nice Guy








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The class was like.......

I always loved to fill evaluation forms on teachers,it was time to level up with those horn rimmed freaks,but for sure i could never beat these comments


"This class was a religious experience for me... I had to take it all on faith."

"Text makes a satisfying `thud' when dropped on the floor."

"Textbook is confusing... Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."

"Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another? That's the way I felt all term."

"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."

"Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

"I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his class."

"Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"

“Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing -- it's a great stress reliever."

"He is one of the best teachers I have had... He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."

"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got a cool nest in the tree."

"This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

"Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class. Then solidarity kicked in."

"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose -- spraying in all directions -- no way to stop it."

"I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used more while doing the problem sets that I would have used the text."

“If I had one hour to live then I would spend it in his class because it feels like an eternity”



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Oh lord!!!!

Ever wondered if a prayer could have you rolling with glee on the floor,well we are going to do just that :)

Kids will be Kids,innocent prayers which makes God smile :)

 

 

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UZ4MUHDURQRA

Five Questions which might cause your divorce...

According to sassy magazine ,There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy

The five questions are:
1.    "What are you thinking?"
2.    "Do you love me?"
3.    "Do I look fat?"
4.    "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5.    "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that everyone is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:

1. "What are you thinking?"The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
1.    Baseball
2.    Football
3.    How fat you are
4.    How much prettier she is than you
5.    How he would spend the insurance money if you died
The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2. "Do you love me?"The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
1.    I suppose so.
2.    Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
3.    That depends on what you mean by "love".
4.    Does it matter?
5.    Who, me?

3. "Do I look fat?"The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
1.    I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
2.    Compared to what?
3.    A little extra weight looks good on you.
4.    I've seen fatter.
5.    Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4. "Do you think she's prettier than me?"The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
1.    Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
2.    I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
3.    Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
4.    Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
5.    Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5. "What would you do if I died?"Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."

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A new beginning

This blog was conceived six months ago merely on a whimsical fantasy and it has been a magnificent voyage so far, the inspiration behind this blog was to be an elite destination for the most amusing, witty, sarcastic, hilarious and thought provoking pieces from the web exclusively handpicked to bring a smile on your face and I hope it did elicit a few smiles.

Now we have decided to take this a step further and want to feature on our blog, seasoned or budding bloggers who can arouse up emotions, mend a broken heart, brighten up a lousy day, invigorate an exhausted psyche, satisfy a perfectionist, comfort the inconsolable, stir up a controversy, inspire new ideas, challenge old myths, cross the threshold, change a stubborn opinion, cause an adrenalin rush, fire up imagination, ease the pain, tingle the senses, offer a reason to dream, be heard across borders, weave magic with words, bring a change in perceptions, be a guiding light, stand the test of time, elicit quite laughter ,fabricate a fairytale, persuade to reflect, arouse curiosity, astonish the ignorant, initiate a stampede or simply spread smiles, we assure you exposure to the most diverse audience possible thanks to the immense number of visitors which we have started getting lately. We hope that this strikes a chord with writers who hope to spread smiles the way we do.

If you are even remotely interested in this initiative, then for finer points visit this page on our blog, the link is also provided at the beginning under the name “feature your posts”.

Do provide us with feedback with your comments about this new initiative.