Monday, August 30, 2010

Give him the damm job!!!!

Job Application:This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!


NAME: Gilly Bushwash

SEX: Occasionally.

DESIRED POSITION:  Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

SALARY EXPECTED: Yes

EDUCATION:  High school was an incredible experience.

PREVIOUS SALARY: Less than I' m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: National record for eating 45 eggs in two minute

REASON FOR LEAVING: Terminated after saying, ‘It would be a blessing to be fired.”

PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:  Of what?

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION: Won a contest for building toothpick bridges in middle school.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Yes ,but only cigarettes

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Why would I lie?

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Swearing !!!





Subject:Office Memo on Swearing

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.


1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.


2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.


3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?


4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.


5) TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!


6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.


7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.


Cool TRY SAYING: That's interesting

INSTEAD OF: What the f___?


9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.


10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that

INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?


11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.



13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.


14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.


15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.


16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.


17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?


1Cool TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a d___k.


Thank You, Human Resources

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Ladies and gentleman

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


(An airline had no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.

Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."




 You know what is more humorous than this? The London underground announcements




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Sunday, August 22, 2010

Witty Sarcasm

Well this post was accidentally deleted  by blogger, as a thank you to their quick response I am republishing this..


Well this post is dedicated to people who believe that sarcasm is an art and are fluent in it!!!!





SO here is some sarcasm to dazzle your wits!!!


How would you react to these.....
"If I was kidding I'd be dressed like you”
I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
I like dogs too. Let’s exchange recipes.
A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.
Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.”
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
X-rated movies are all alike... the only thing they leave to the imagination is the plot.
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
“I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.”
Back off! You’re standing in my aura.
Okay, okay, I take it back! Un-Screw You!
“100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?”
-Not all men are annoying. Some are dead
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
I thought you wanted a career, turns out you just wanted pay checks.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.






8 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

4. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!

5. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

6. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

7. When people say "life is short". What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?

8. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???

Well they were fond of it too!!!
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
Rodney Dangerfield

"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." - after being told he looked cool.
Yogi Berra

Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character.
Oscar Levant



There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
Dick Cavett mocking the TV-violence debate

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”
- Groucho Marx



More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it.
Clarence Darrow

“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx



I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
Woody Allen


“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.”
George Bernard Shaw

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen

“The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.”
David Ogilvy


“If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?”
- Charles Pierce

Q. Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything?
A. Yes, for twenty-four hours I refused to eat grapes.
Woody Allen

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
Forrest Tucker


What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.
Oscar Levant

“It is not necesssary to understand things in order to argue about them.”
- Caron de Beaumarchais

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
- Woody Allen




The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
Woody Allen



“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
Emo Philips


 “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
Mark Twain



“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
Drew Carey

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Woody Allen

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
Woody Allen

“For your information, I would like to ask a question.”
Samuel Goldwyn

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Woody Allen





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Tuesday, August 17, 2010

I want a Jobbb!!!!!

Is it a good idea to use wit and sarcasm in your cover letter as an application for the job????Well according to Above the law an unemployed attorney took an unconventional approach to drafting a cover letter--using excerpts from nine other firms form rejection letters sent to the applicant.Guess what he received the tenth within the next week :).I cannot help but be amused at the fact that this post so closely co-relates to my own situation at the moment,that is "Job Hunting".The letter for you ;)

UNEMPLOYED J.D. CANDIDATE — COVER LETTER


Normally, in my cover letters, I list my various qualifications with the hope that my record will impress the reader. However, in such a competitive market, my top 15% rank, managing editor position on my journal, and participation in moot court are not as likely to stand out. Even my experience teaching in [Redacted] for two years is incapable of impressing current hiring committees. Moreover, my immodest self-proclamations regarding my superior abilities are unlikely to convince you of anything more than the extent of my vanity. Thus, instead of providing you with a generic cover letter that will be filed away with hundreds of its kind, I have chosen to provide you with an outside perspective of my abilities.
Your colleagues from other competitive firms have had a great deal to say about me; therefore, I would like to share with you some of their opinions. Alston & Bird writes, “your qualifications are impressive.” Remarkably, Blank Rome makes an identical assertion. McKee Nelson also express this view but do not limit its opinion to my qualifications. Rather, it considers my “credentials and qualifications” to be “impressive.” Chadbourne & Parke takes a different focus, indicating that my “background is impressive.”
Other firms convey similar opinions with a different focal point. Epstein, Becker & Green is “impressed” with “my credentials.” According to King & Spalding, my “resume is impressive.” Furthermore, Debevoise & Plimpton feels slightly more strongly, stating that they were “most impressed” with my resume. Uniquely commenting on both my background and credentials, Dow Lohnes indicates that they “were quite impressed.” Cleverly using a more concise adjective-noun wording, Holland & Knight writes that I have an “impressive background.”
Clearly, there is a consensus among many firms that I am “impressive.” Although there is some disagreement about whether my background, credentials, qualifications, resume, or a combination of these is impressive, it is obvious that I am impressive on some level. Furthermore, while these accolades were all included in rejection letters, the opinions still hold true and are strong measures of my value as a candidate in your colleagues’ and competitors’ eyes. Thus, I am undoubtedly qualified for a position in your litigation department.
Finally, if I do not receive an offer for employment, many firms will be quite disappointed. Dozens of firms have indicated a desire for my “success” in the “future” with a “challenging” or “rewarding” position “somewhere else,” and I do not intend to upset these firms by failing. Therefore, I am very motivated to find a position and to impress my employer with my dedication and superior performance.
I have attached my impressive resume and transcript for your review, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Unemployed J.D. Candidate


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Sunday, August 15, 2010

Ooooppssssss!!!!!

All of us have had our share of embarrassing moments,well some have more then a handful,just like this women who can probably write a journal about them,here are some good ones :)
 

1. CURL UP AND DIE ... I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

2. PAD PLEASE ... An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.

3. HO, HO, HO............. I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!

4. LADY GOLFER ... I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me, without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

5. NUTS ABOUT YOU............My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

6. MOM'S ADVICE ... A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his stuff hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon,she'd come and pick me up from school ..."


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Thursday, August 12, 2010

I am late!!

Digging the archives :)

Actual Tube Announcements

These are some real announcements made by London Tube (subway) train drivers
to their passengers and collected by Annie Mole 
.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay  to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound tracks and head in the opposite direction."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome; that is, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news or the bad news first? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination anytime soon."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now: Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall....'"

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that."

"Please use all available doors, there are some really good ones at the front of the train!"

As the train was approaching, the guard piped up "Would everybody please take one big step backwards please!" After a small pause, the guard made a different request "Anybody with their back to the platforms edge, who are on the yellow line, please ignore my last message!". 

"When you're leaving the train, ensure you elbow your way out so that you get to the escalator before anyone else does....that was irony by the way" 

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman. Unfortunately towels will not be provided."

"Let the passengers off the train first!" (pause) "Oh, go on then. Stuff yourselves in like sardines. See if I care! I'm going home!"

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage: What part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

To smoke or not to smoke????

Just compiled a random collection of quotes on cigarettes!!!! 

It's all one thing - both tend into one scope -

To live upon Tobacco and on Hope,
The one's but smoke, the other is but wind.
                                 ~Sir Robert Aytoun of Kincaldie, "Sonnet on Tobacco"


I have every sympathy with the American who was so horrified by what he has read of the effects of smoking that he gave up reading. - Lord Conesford

I thought I couldn't afford to take her out and smoke as well.  So I gave up cigarettes.  Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought:  "Oh well," and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.  ~Benny Hill

One thousand Americans stop smoking every day - by dying.  ~Author Unknown

Thank heaven, I have given up smoking again!... God! I feel fit.  Homicidal, but fit.  A different man.  Irritable, moody, depressed, rude, nervy, perhaps; but the lungs are fine.  ~A.P. Herbert

Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal.  It makes them soggy and hard to light.  ~Author Unknown

Good food, good sex, good digestion, good sleep:  to these basic animal pleasures, man has added nothing but the good cigarette.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

The best way to stop smoking is to carry wet matches.
- Anonymous

Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can’t find your cigarettes.
- Anonymous

I tried to stop smoking cigarettes by telling myself I just didn’t want to smoke, but I didn’t believe myself.
- Anonymous

 Sooner or later, everyone stops smoking.- Anonymous

I’m not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now.
- Anonymous

I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time..- Mark Twain

There’s a lot of people who, a cigarette is about the only vacation they have.- Trey Parker

If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.- Douglas Adams

It has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain when awake.
- Mark Twain

A cigarette is the only consumer product which when used as directed kills its consumer.
- Dr. Gro Harlem

I’ve been smoking nearly 50 years now. I just don’t feel safe breathing anything I can’t see!- Dave Beard

People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them… Well, it’s killing me!
- Wendy Liebman

I don’t know why I did it, I don’t know why I enjoyed it, and I don’t know why I’ll do it again.- Bart Simpson

I am sure there are many things better than a good cigar, but right now, I can’t think of what they might be.- Richard Carleton

I don’t smoke anymore, except on National No Smoking Day as a protest against those who want to control our lives.- John Richard

There’s something luxurious about having a girl light your cigarette. In fact, I got married once on account of that.- Harold Robbins

A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more can one want?- Oscar Wilde

To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I’ve done it a thousand times.
- Mark Twain

Sunday, August 8, 2010

The Unspoken Dialogue Between Men and Women

You will find out in a minute why Dave Barry is the greatest comedian in the world....

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . .let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's freezing out there, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves 600 bucks.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ....

''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.

''What?'' says Roger, startled.

''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so .... .''

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''

''There's no horse?'' says Roger

''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.

''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

''Yes,'' he says

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

'Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.

''What way?'' says Roger. ''That way about time,'' says Elaine

''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

'Thank you, Roger,'' she says.

''Thank you,'' says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say,

''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''



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Thursday, August 5, 2010

I will punch you.........

Well what do you usually do when you loose your cool????Scream your lungs out,break to pieces the first thing that you can find or punch someone squarely on the jaw.....Well this garage guy has his own unique way.....

Hello buyers and thank you for coming to our garage sale.

I know our newspaper ad and signs say that we open at 7 am, but if you arrive at 6:00, go ahead and ring the doorbell several times and peer into the windows until we answer. We’ll open up early for you.

Feel free to show up with your unleashed dog, and of course, let him poop in the front yard. Our lawn-boy will clean that up later.

For your convenience, we’ve taken the time to mark everything with a price. But go ahead and keep asking, “How much do you want for this?”

In the mood for a cigarette? Come into the garage and light it on up. Grandpa doesn’t mind if you blow the smoke right into his face. He’s only on an oxygen tank. It’s probably good for him anyway. And just leave the butts on the garage floor or flick them into the yard. We’ll take care of those for you too. It’s my mistake for not having an ashtray available.

And I know 25 cents is a fairly steep price. So let’s haggle for 5 minutes about it. I don’t have anything else to do today.

Also, pick up a bunch of items and then tell me what they remind you of. Be sure to tell me about every aspect of your life. Don’t leave anything out. I’d love to hear all about you. And when you put the item back, just throw it in a completely different spot, upside down or just all wadded up.

Your McDonald’s breakfast is going right through you, isn’t it? Of course you can come in and use our bathroom. Be sure to look in the medicine cabinet for any prescription meds you might need. And there’s some spray up in the window in case you drop a deuce. Hope everything comes out ok!

Wow, you want to buy all of our grandmother’s antiques and at our full asking price?! Oh, but you don’t have any cash with you. Well yes, you can certainly write us a check and then drive off with the merchandise! No worries. I’m sure you’re an honest person. Next time, we’ll try to be prepared to accept credit and debit cards.

As you leave, be sure to rev up the engine several times, blast the salsa music and then lay a scratch as you drive away. It’s loud, but oh so cool. Have a great day!





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Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Making her happpyyyyyy!!!!!

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one  single rule applies:  Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't  get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.



Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed.....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows .....0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You go out to buy her Roses....+5
  in the snow.....+8
  but return with beer.....-5
  and no roses.....-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night ..... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing..... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
 It's her cat.....-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party..... 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy.....-2
  named Tiffany.....-4
  Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
  with breast implants.....-18

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday..... 0
You buy a card and flowers..... 0
You take her out to dinner..... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your  face is painted the colors of your favorite team.....-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal..... 0
The pal is happily married.....+1
The pal is single.....-7
He drives a Ferrari.....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED).....-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.....+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called Death Cop 3.....-3
which features Alines that eat humans.....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding.....-10
You reply, "Where?".....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your butt".....-100
Any other response.....-20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned statement..... 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying, "Well, what do you think I should do".....-50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.....+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep.....-200


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Sunday, August 1, 2010

And you thought exams are a gloomy affair???????



Digging the archives...

Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates....
A. Lawrence Lowell

You could not agree more once you have gone through this post which includes some of the most amusing exam answers ever.





Exactly my sentiments on calculus, and we blame the poor kids………







This is meant when people say ,the answer was staring at your face…..






Now this is bad manners……………







Now wouldn’t you like to keep an eye on your kids………







The guy sure knows how to make a girl happy…..






Only students can be fun????think again…..






Here we have a kid who has seen it all ;)………







Now who could argue with that…….







This kid has an eye for details……………






American kids aren’t smart????Think again






Whats’s wrong with that???