Can't Complain!!!!

All things truly wicked start from an innocence.
Ernest Hemingway
How true...The holiday season is almost over but lets take a last whiff at it by indulging in a child's view on Santa and Jews!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The world as it is!!!

The blog completed its first anniversary :)

Almost all nationalities can be stereotyped, that is the beauty of living together with people,our behavior is highly influenced by the region we live in,no wonder the story below says the same :)

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule as to when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the American woman talks continuously about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Japanese men, after apologizing profusely to each other, have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both "bloody wankers".

Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish men began by dividing the island into North and South and set up a distillery. After the first few litres of coconut whiskey they do not remember if sex is in the picture, but they are satisfied that at least the English are not getting any.

Meanwhile the French think they are all alone on the island and live blissfully,





What do you think Indians would have done on the islands.Oh and the Chinese.

No chance!!!!

Would Noah be able to build the ark had he lived in present times?Lets see if he can...

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.

In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.

The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah," He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

Then I got into a fight with Ocean Security Headquarters  over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices.

"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have sixteen carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

"When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

"Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a map.

"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard.

"The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

"I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational watercraft.'

"Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.

A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean You are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

Sarcasm!!!!

Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. . Recently, she has made some statements about homosexuals that has caused the Canadian anti-hate laws to censure her, she allegedly quoted some passages from the bible admonishing homosexuality.An open letter was posted on the internet,which contains some of the best sarcasm I came across lately.Enjoy the letter.


Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as
many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle,
for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be
an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however,
regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing
odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the
odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

 I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.
In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

 I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period
of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I
have tried asking, but most women take offence.

 Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female,
provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims
that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I
own Canadians?

 I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him?
Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

 A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination
(Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can
you settle this?

 Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision
have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

 Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around
their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should
they die?

 I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

 My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops
in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different
kinds of thread. (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme
a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the
whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to
death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their
in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can
help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

Martha

Reel or real???

From the archives

Things You Would Never have known, but for the Movies!!!

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.  No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language.  A German accent will do.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill, just grab one at random and hand it over.  It will always be the exact fare.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. 

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

A cough indicates a terminal illness.

A credit card or a paper clip can pick any lock in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

A gang of highly-trained terrorists will always separate and search for an intruder making it easier to kill them off one-by-one.

A movie teenager always has a drainpipe next to his or her window that is specially reinforced to hold their weight.

An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur does no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

Any kid or dog can wonder through an artillery barrage without injury while half the outfit gets wiped out.

Assassins will always wait till the very last moment to assemble their complex sniper pistol that's the size of a rifle.

Bad guys kill their henchman for failing, yet never run out of loyal henchmen.
 
Characters shot with guns will fly backward, or upward and backward, through the air, the laws of physics not-withstanding.

Crashing cars always burst into flames.

Deranged killers only escape when a thunderstorm has knocked out all power and telephone lines.

Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw it away. You'll find another.

Having a job makes fathers forget their sons' birthdays.

High-class strippers with a heart of gold can operate heavy machinery.

Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down with days of their retirement.

If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just run a bath (even in the middle of the day) and then look in the bathroom mirror. There he is.

If a main character dies, his sweetheart back home will have a nightmare at that exact moment.

If a phone line is broken, the best way to restore communication is to frantically beat the cradle while yelling, "Hello? Hello?"

If a soldier tries to look up an old buddy who was transferred to different unit, the buddy will be dead or will die shortly there after.
 
If the person you are chasing has just taken the elevator down from the 20th floor, you can get to the street first by taking the stairs.

If you need to diffuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You always choose the right one.

If you're a woman who has just finished a steamy love-making session, you will pull the sheets up to your neck.

If you're ever caught up in a misunderstanding that could be quickly cleared up by a simple explanation, keep your mouth shut.

In all high school or college classrooms, the teacher or professor will always be interrupted in mid-sentence by the end-of-class bell.

In emergencies, anyone can fly a helicopter.

In the event of a car chase, two men will carry a large pane of glass through the streets for you to drive through.

Never assume that anyone is dead unless their death was spectacular.

No matter how dead you think you've killed a bad guy, he can still get up three more times. Therefore, leave his gun in his hand while you turn away to comfort the girl.

One man has a better chance of shooting twenty men than twenty men have of shooting one man.

Television news always features a story that affects you personally, at the precise moment you turn on the TV.

The first shot or burst of fire from a bad guy always misses and is there merely to announce that a fight has be-gun.

When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are the best weapons.

When they are alone, foreigners speak English to each other.

Whichever tree branch the hero has perched on, the villain will invariably pause under it.

Women are always too hysterical to do what the hero instructs. He has to help her/force her/knock her out.

Women make a noise at the precise moment the villain is close enough to hear.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need on

Make war not love!!!!

Another post to show how uncompatible the two sexes are!!!!

An assignment was given to students to write a tandem story. The process was simple. Each person was supposed to pair up with a person of opposite sex. One of them will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. 

The Assignment

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

 

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

 

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

 

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

 

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

 

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

You total $*&.

 

Stupid %&#$!.

Don't ever say this to a police officer!!!

Well there are some things in life you should never try your hand at;and messing with the cops is one of them.Well to help you out, compiled here is a list of things never to say to cops if you are being pulled over for speeding.



I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

I pay your salary!

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"



But This one actually worked

 A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out  for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. 

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought, and stepped on the gas. The needle hit 90, 100, 110, 130, and finally, 150 with the lights still behind him.

"What in the devil am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. 
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.  "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!" 

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" 

"Have a nice night", said the officer.  

My last hope???

Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
Anton Chekov

Well personally i ain't fond of doctors either but they sometimes come in handy.Here is a compiled list as to what Doctor's usually say and what they actually mean.  


"This should be taken care of right away."
"I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

"Welllllll, what have we here..."
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

"We'll see."
"First I have to check my malpractice insurance."

"Let me check your medical history."
"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
"I'm playing golf this afternoon,
-or-
"I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."

"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
"I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."
Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.
(Proctologist also say this alot.)

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
"Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that i can make sense of"

"Let me schedule you for some tests just outside my clinic"
"I have a 40% commission from that in the lab."

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
"He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune."

"How are we today?"
"I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
"I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea."

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
"I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
"I think I'm going to throw up."

"This may smart a little."
"Last week two patients bit through their tongues."

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
"I can't remember your name, nor why you are here."

"This should fix you up."
"The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms."

"Everything seems to be normal."
"I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."

"I'd like to run some more tests."
"I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."

"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.

"Why don't you slip out of your things."
"I don't enjoy this any more than you do, but I've got to warm my fingers up somehow."
-or-
"I haven't had a good laugh all day."

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
"I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week."

"There is a lot of that going around."
"My God, thats the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this."